V is for Vlogging, Viral and Value...

The original vlogger? (my father in the 1990s) - OK not a video, but he did use a mike, a tape with music and lots of his own edited material for the Talking Newspaper in Northamptonshire.

The Z-A of anti-marketing reaches richer pastures with the letter V.

The big one here is, of course, VLOGGING. This is a relatively new concept, but it has blown the whole shooting-match out of the water. No longer is marketing the province of experts with limitless budgets. VLOGGING has handed over total power to the ordinary person only armed with a computer and a mobile phone. What makes it all the more random, ridiculous and so typical of the age we are now living in is that anyone can do it. Anyone. From a 12-year-old with just one idea to a 90 year old with no ideas. All can be insanely successful depending on public whim and what catches the viral eye at any particular time. Just shout: 'Hey guys, what's going on?' at your camera and you're off. And if bored teenagers start queuing up to have a look at your latest revelations then advertisers will be there very quickly too. Go VIRAL and you've made it. The treasure chest creaks open.

The rule of thumb here is just one thing - FOLLOWERS - and then the SUBSCRIBE button, the magic Subscribe button. And if you get over a million bored people to look at your stuff, then you become a celebrity. If you manage under a thousand, you're a nobody. Just another blade of digital grass in the savannah of hopeful failures.

And it really doesn't matter what you do or say - as long as you get that 'following'. So, how do you reach this state of digital nirvana? Vlog experts claim that your vlog should be a maximum of 5 minutes in length with no one 'shot' (shout) lasting more than 3 seconds. This requires a lot of editing and continual 'wow' moments to keep the viewer from clicking away. A good vlog should become more and more insane as it develops with lots of shouting, kaleidoscopic colours, music, hand-held stuff and cartoons, if possible. The idea is to shock and then shock again - and then once more for good measure. Of course, if you're young, look pretty and pout a lot at the camera in different outfits in every shot then you have a head start on everyone else. Finally, do a lot of running down streets and side-alleys in your town looking as though you're in a hurry to get somewhere or better still, implying that someone is chasing you. Fame and fortune then beckons... for the really untalented. And that's Vlogging - a true reflection of our times!

As for VALUE - there really is no such thing anymore. In a postmodernist, anti-marketing world, value has become so subjective that it has ceased to be important. In the past, a product could be said to have a value of some sort - financial, emotional etc. Nowadays, the digital universe has made everything (and nothing) valuable. You can put an old shoe up on e-bay and someone will buy it. One person recently even managed to sell 'nothing' on the same site. He then talked about it on his vlog and attracted loads more followers who thought it was a really cool idea. Aaaaaagh!

Which all goes to prove that nothing can be valuable in this crazy world. I rest my case and disappear upstairs for a long lie down.

So, hit that SUBSCRIBE button, guys and... see you later!

Sigh.

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