We will fight them in the aisles. We will never surrender... whatever the cost!

Morrison's, Petts Wood (Bromley): Thurs 19th March. 2.01pm

Yes, it's the wonderful British public showing their stout, community spirit by making sure they own the pre-requisite number (300) of toilet rolls to make themselves immune from the Coronavirus! The gentleman above is to be heartily commended - he wants to stay healthy so he can keep working - and those rolls will certainly do the trick! And don't worry, he'll be back tomorrow for another trolley load! Together, we will beat this disease!!

Waitrose, Bromley: Saturday 21st March. 11.02am

Proof that being a vegetarian is unhealthy! The shelves are all empty, except for this section - the vegan and vegetarian choice. Lethal stuff. So keep fighting over those cans of tomatoes and baked beans! And stockpile as much pasta as possible. This is the time for proper, healthy, clean food like spaghetti bolognese! Another proven way of beating the virus. Throw away your apples, oranges and all your fresh vegetables. And get that frozen pepperoni pizza microwaved, along with a pint of long life milk. Chunder the lot and you'll be fine!

Then get back out there at 6 tomorrow morning - your country needs you to keep the trolley wheels spinning!

Online (Bromley Common): Sunday 22nd March. 1.34pm

Who says you can't make a fashion statement? Of course you can! These ministers are modelling the popular range of accessory masks. Just go online and pick a rainbow selection to suit your every mood and top. There's never a moment, no matter how bad, when you can't show the world your most alluring points. Let's hear it for our leaders - showing us the way, as always! Love the matching gloves as well!

Morrison's (Petts Wood) Monday 23rd March 11.06

SHAME ON YOU, PADDINGTON BEAR!

But sadly, there's always one! Just as we are all pulling together and doing our bit, patriotically emptying the shelves and then going for long, healthy walks in nearby parks with the whole family and friends, we find one person (bear) not doing his bit! I don't know what they teach bears in Peru, but this attitude is not acceptable here! Not in Britain! Winston would be horrified! Abandoning his duties in these difficult times! We should all publicly shame the bear.

Together we shall get through this! We are proud nation. Nothing beats us.

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Tesco's, we shall fight in the car parks and queues, we shall defend our stockpiles, whatever the cost. We will fight in the aisles, we will fight at the cash tills, we will fight in Morrison's, we will fight in Sainsbury's; we will never surrender......

Now get out there for another trolley load of toilet rolls and spaghetti!

Be proud! Be British! Be stockpiled!