The Talks That Went Wrong

I was talking to Huan Japes of English UK at the StudyWorld workshop last week. After the usual happy platitudes (Huan is a lovely bloke), I offered my services as a speaker at the next English UK marketing conference. Huan said: "We'd certainly love you to speak, if you have something interesting to say... this time." I reached for a fresh glass of red and started thinking.

I've done quite a few talks over the years, some good - some not so good. Like the one in Japan when I tried a few words in Japanese and had the audience gasping in horror as I told them that Regent taught violent criminals - a simple mistake involving a minor mispronunciation of the Japanese word for Koreans. Not sure if this was the reason why Regent had a sharp decline in Japanese bookings that year.

Or... there was the appalling talk in Taipei one evening long ago, when the lighting was so bad that I tripped over an OHP cable and fell full-length, as I walked onto the stage. The audience all laughed, one man on the front row exclaiming loudly: 'Mr Bean!'

Yes, really. That's true. The rest of the talk went rapidly downhill, as I tried to tell them all about current trends in teacher training, while rubbing a sore knee and scuffed knuckles and trying not to look or sound like Mr Bean. I don't think I've ever had so much laughter at a talk on TT before.

There was the talk here in the UK when the building caught fire, as I started on a talk on postmodernist, anti-marketing. I think my audience of hard-bitten marketing and sales people really thought that I'd planned the whole thing and had set fire to the building myself as a dramatic backdrop to my talk on all things anti-marketing.

There was a fight between delegates at another talk a very long time ago at a school directors' conference. Apparently, it had been simmering for some time and had boiled over when someone had accidentally pushed someone else, as they entered the hall. A bit of fisticuffs followed, before the assailants were dragged apart. Ironically, the title to that talk was: "Why you all hate me." And they did at the end, but thankfully I wasn't beaten up.

Then there was the English UK annual AGM a few years ago and my somewhat ill-advised talk, again on anti-marketing. Now, it's all fair and dandy to talk about the nitty-gritty of anti-marketing at a marketing conference, but probably not so appropriate at an AGM. My first five minutes broke new records I was told afterwards, because of my playing of a small segment from the fantastic film, Glengarry Glen Ross. Wall-to-wall four letter words is not what the great and good of English UK want to hear after their lunches. Spreadsheets, optimism, and robust-synergy is what is expected, not a shouted diatribe on traditional 'effing' marketing.

Then there have been the 'blank' moments, of course, moments when you suddenly lose your thread and drop off a cliff. Horrible silence follows. I remember talking passionately about the Thai market and suddenly for some insane, illogical reason, started thinking about what I was going to have for dinner that night and... I completely lost my thread. The five second pause that followed was the longest in my life... but then Judy Loren (Excel English) piped up: "You were telling us something about visas, which we all know about anyway." Thank you Judy. Saved my life.

And finally, there was the moment after the applause had died down, at the end of a one hour slog through the backwaters of marketing, when a senior figure in the industry came up to me, put her arm round my waist and said: "That was most entertaining. I didn't believe a word of it, but never mind, let me get you a drink."

All solid, sound reasons why Huan Japes was so right in requesting an interesting one this time. Thank you, Huan. Thank you everyone. Any questions?