Literally like the end of the world!

I was sitting in a Juliet's Cafe on St Mary's in the Scillies yesterday, trying to have a few moments peace and quiet, while eating an apple cake. But, as luck would have it, four kids in their early twenties sat at a nearby table and began talking quite loudly.

It struck me after about ten seconds that the English language has changed dramatically recently and, without sounding too grumpy about it, has been dumbed-down to depths which go beyond even American slang at its worst. We are at rock-bottom.

Let me explain. No, I won't. I'll let my neighbours do it for me...

Girl with long red hair: "It's like so cool over there. Like great music. Like fun every night and everyone like just hangs out."

Boy with torn jeans: "We were literally like drunk every minute we were there. It was just like so sick the whole time."

Girl with no hair to speak of, as waitress approaches: "Like can we like have like 3 Cokes and a larrtey?"

Waitress: "No worries."

All four: "Cool."

Now look, I'm not being sniffy for fun here. I know language changes. In my day, we all said, 'You know' and 'Innit' all the time. Just as irritating. But things change. Teenage culture changes. So, I'm fine with that - just.

But it seems to me that, for example, the word 'like' has become something of a problem. It's almost like a mental breathing-space word, which gets trotted out to fill a pause between other words. Like inoffensive Tourette's Syndrome, like. Anyway, I counted 56 likes in a 5 minute period. 56? Surely that's going too far. 4 or 5 would be OK. But 56! Incidentally, the girl with the red hair won with 23 all of her own. I very nearly presented her with what was left of my apple cake, as a prize. Some might say that it's me with the problem, not them. OK - I'm also fine with that. Probably like showing my age, like.

OK... moving on. 'No worries'. Where the hell did that come from? We seem to be living in a society where worrying has become the main concern, so we indulge ourselves in telling others not to do it. 'No problem' or 'That's all right' (two words) are things of the past. We are all worrying constantly, particularly when faced with waitresses poised to get Cokes or larrteys for us. Larrtey! Another one. I shake my head in deep sorrow. An Italian must quiver every time he hears this dreadful mispronunciation. Oh dear. I apologise for the whole of my nation.

And don't get me started on the constant misuse of 'literally'. A man on the boat over here said quite loudly: "I literally died the last time I came here, the sea was so rough." I nicknamed him Lazarus after that and had a quiet, holier-than-thou chuckle every time he opened his mouth... until he started spelling Bryher (a small island in the Scillies). I blanched visibly, as he said, quite unashamedly, 'haitch' as he hit the fourth letter in the word. 'Haitch'?? I thought only pre-Nursery school-kids said that because teachers found it easier to teach them this way. Adults are supposed to grow out of that nasty little habit. Just listen to Rachael Riley on Countdown. She never drops a(n) 'haitch', so I must be right on this one. Our Rachael is never wrong!

I'll leave it at that and let you imagine someone firing the cannon in the picture above to rid the world of an ageing, grumpy old soul, who should leave all this well alone and let people talk in anyway that they like.